Aged ten, Chloe was sociable, bubbly, and popular. But in the first couple of years at secondary school, all that changed.
For no reason – beyond the cliquey tendencies of adolescent girls – she was increasingly shunned by her so-called friendship group. Hurt, confused, and lonely, she became anxious and withdrawn.
By the time she was 15, aside from reluctantly attending school, Chloe wouldn’t leave her room. ‘She stopped going out,’ recalls her mother Charlotte, the sadness in her voice still raw. ‘She wouldn’t come for a walk. She didn’t even want to come down to have meals with the family. All her joy left her.’
The agony of Chloe’s situation and her mother’s feelings of helplessness will resonate with far too many parents. It’s estimated that there are now a quarter of a million ‘teen hermits’ in England.
Shocking research by the Centre for Social Justice reports that one third of 15-year-olds say they barely leave their bedroom except to attend school.
It warns of a ‘bedroom generation’ who spend their leisure time alone and on their phones or computers, instead of seeing friends and building independence in the outside world.
This crisis has been driven by multiple factors, say experts – from harmful social media and too much time spent online to family life being lonely for teens as both parents work full-time. Covid, of course, did not help. This is also a generation who spent formative years in long periods of lockdown, forced to stay in their bedrooms whether they wanted to or not.
Shocking research by the Centre for Social Justice reports that one third of 15-year-olds say they barely leave their bedroom except to attend school (posed by model)
For Chloe, it was the bewildering pain of peer rejection and cruelty that led her to retreat. Charlotte says: ‘She’d be excited, telling me that she and her friends were all meeting up, then an hour later I’d find her crying her eyes out because they’d gone out and not told her.
‘There was also judgment around weight, body image and being thin. It was extraordinarily painful. It all became too much and she took to her bedroom. She went from being a happy, sociable little bunny to someone who didn’t go out – at all.’
Charlotte tried to help. She confesses to feeling – as any parent would – murderous towards the ‘spiteful’ girls in Chloe’s peer group. ‘I actually rang one of the mothers and said, “What’s going on?” The mothers claimed it wasn’t deliberate and that they all loved my daughter. But that just wasn’t true. It just got worse and worse until getting her to leave her bedroom even to go into school was tough.
‘I had to get up early and coax her, make her tea, snacks. The school bus would stop outside our house and her siblings would get on it, but she’d refuse and start dry-retching. Every day. I’d have to drive her in.’
After school, a pattern developed. ‘Chloe would get herself some biscuits and tea, go upstairs to her room and put her pyjamas on. She’d spend a lot of time in bed on her phone. She was scrolling, a lot. She also listened to podcasts.’ Charlotte considered switching off the internet. ‘But her siblings were studying. I couldn’t say, “From 10pm, there’s no wifi”.
‘Sometimes she’d even take family meals upstairs to bed.’ Charlotte protested and tried to stop it – ‘but what can you threaten?’ she asks.
‘If you don’t have dinner with the family – what?’ She adds: ‘If she did come down for dinner, she’d be disruptive – “I don’t like this, I’m not eating it” and storm off to her room again.’
Charlotte would try to coax her out. ‘I’d always knock, because that’s respectful. I’d say: “It’s not very healthy to stay in your room all the time”. But she found that very irritating. She stopped going to her judo class at weekends. She said she was very happy in her room, but I didn’t think it was true.
‘Also, then she got into snacking, and there was food everywhere, which was disgusting. Her room became messy. She became messy. She was pale and putting on weight because she wasn’t doing any exercise.’
As Chloe’s months as a teenage hermit became years, Charlotte grew ‘absolutely desperate’.
‘I’d be driving back from the supermarket and pull off at the side of the road to cry. I thought we’d be in this terrible situation for ever.’
All Charlotte could do was persevere. ‘It was clear she was troubled and sad, and I needed to just keep trying with her. If Chloe said she was watching something she liked on her phone, I’d say, “Why don’t we watch it together in the sitting room?” I watched a lot of true crime.’ Charlotte adds, ‘Chloe is also close to my father, who’s creative and artistic. So he’d bring round art stuff, and then she might come downstairs.’
Now Chloe is 18, and has made progress. She’s working in a library but Charlotte says: ‘I’m not entirely sure she’s out of the hermit phase.’
Dr Elizabeth Kilbey, a leading consultant clinical psychologist and educational expert, understands the complexity of the struggles surrounding adolescent self-isolation
Apart from her job, ‘she doesn’t go out, and still spends a lot of time in her room’. ‘She’s still incredibly reliant on me. She’s learning to drive, but says, “I like it when you drive me because we’re together.” But if I invite her to go out with me to the theatre, she’ll say: “Maybe.” I want to shout, “Just say yes!”
‘It’s very upsetting. It’s so alien to us as parents. It’s not how we lived and it’s not how we want them to live. It’s not what I thought her life would be. Not engaging with the outside world is not a good thing. It’s half a life.’
Dr Elizabeth Kilbey, a leading consultant clinical psychologist and educational expert, understands the complexity of the struggle.
‘The job of adolescence is to grow up, move on and out,’ she says. But that’s a ‘difficult’ task – perhaps more so now than ever – while cosying up in your room is comfortable and unchallenging. ‘[If you stay in your bedroom], you have none of the responsibility,’ she says, ‘and the cupboards are magically refilled.’
She also notes that wanting time alone away from parents is entirely normal in adolescence. Yet anxiety, loneliness and screen addiction can turn that normal tendency into an unhealthy withdrawal from all social contact and build up serious problems for the future. ‘Hermit teenagers’ miss out on an important life stage in the process of maturing and becoming a confident adult.
But there’s a lot parents can do. Here, Dr Kilbey shares practical advice on helping your child…
What our expert says about boys
1. Ask him to leave his door open
Tell him: ‘Yes, you’re in your room but I expect you to have your door open.’ Otherwise, he’s shut off and knocking feels intrusive. With the door open, you can wander past, chat or find excuses to interact.
If he says he needs privacy acknowledge that there are times when privacy is appropriate, like bedtime, but that no one needs 24/7 privacy. Say: ‘You also need exposure. Too much privacy is like solitary confinement. Maintaining the skills to interact with others is also important.’
2. Bring devices out of his room, even for a bit
What’s pulling him into his bedroom? If it is comfortable, with everything he likes and needs inside – screens, gaming devices, meals delivered – what’s pushing him out?
Can you bring the activity out of the bedroom? Rethink your rule around devices – it should be about balance.
Say: ‘I’ve noticed you’re spending ages alone in your room. It’s really important we spend time together as a family and interact. It’s good for making sure everyone’s OK. So before dinner, I expect us to all be in the lounge. If you want to game then, do it downstairs. After dinner, you can game in your room.’
3. Don’t dictate what you do together
Make yourself available. Put your phone down, give him your attention. Entice him out with his favourite food or see if he would like to cook it with you. Is there something on YouTube he’s into that you could watch together?
The point is you get to sit on the sofa beside your son. It doesn’t even have to be downstairs. If he’s happy, go into his room and watch or game there. Teen boys love it when they can show you what interests them rather than be told what they should be doing.
4. Give him little things to do to help out
Ask him to feed the cat, cut the grass or pop out for milk (‘and get yourself some biscuits’). Small interventions work. Teenagers are good at doing. They’re interested in developing autonomy.
The young generation spent their formative years in long periods of lockdown, forced to stay in their bedrooms whether they wanted to or not
Give him responsibility. Say: ‘Go and buy the ingredients for a meal you want to cook, here’s the money.’ Give him choice. Weaponise your incompetence (‘I can’t find this on my phone…’). Helping others builds competence and makes teenagers feel important. He might claim taking Grandma to the garden centre is ‘lame’ but he’ll feel good.
5. Make expectations explicit – and persist
This is a war of attrition. ‘We’re all going to have dinner together on Friday.’ Slowly, gently persist in maintaining a relationship with your son. Avoid big rows.
When he hibernates, it’s easy to think: ‘I’m bothering him.’ No – frame it as: ‘I’m your parent, I love and value you and want to spend time with you, and ultimately it’s good for you.’ Be confident – and express that to him.
6. Boys might need support from outside
It might be easier for your son to take advice from or confide any worries in someone younger or detached from the family. A trusted sports coach, a favourite uncle or older cousin.
If he’s in an unco-operative phase, lectures from overt authority figures won’t help. Boys don’t like long explanations. Are you adapting your communication style to short and sweet? Humour is disarming. It sidesteps the hierarchy without being patronising and builds connection.
And how to get through to girls
1. Be a detective to see what’s causing issues
A certain amount of wanting to be in your bedroom as a teenager is normal. But, as with nearly everything in child development, too much of something isn’t good and usually comes at a cost. Parents cannot discount the possibility that their teenager is hiding because she’s feeling very anxious or low.
Our first job is to go in and find out what’s going on. Listen and understand what’s bothering her. Is she retreating because she feels isolated at school? Is she withdrawing because of what she’s reading or seeing online?
2. If there’s a friendship gap, fill that space
Teens want their parents’ help. They want us to be surrogate friends when they haven’t got anyone; then the minute they have, you’re dropped.
What does she enjoy that you could do with her? Could you go to the cinema, park, gym, shopping centre, craft centre, get your nails done?
It won’t be as cool as hanging with mates, but she won’t miss out on doing fun things. Or enlist a sibling, cousin, grandparent to take her out or just visit.
3. Stick to some rules, be flexible on others
Surprisingly, teenagers like rules. They like to know where they stand. It’s fine to have reasonable rules, like: ‘You don’t eat alone in your bedroom.’ However, if this rule is unbreakable, be flexible on another.
Wanting time alone away from parents is entirely normal in adolescence. Yet anxiety, loneliness and screen addiction can turn that normal tendency into an unhealthy withdrawal
Allow your daughter to feel that she has some agency or she won’t come to the table at all. Hibernating is a way of exerting power. In her bedroom, she controls everything. It’s a form of resistance and self-protection. The more control you try to exert, the more she has to push back against. There must be give and take.
4. Work on building structure into her day
At weekends, the hermit situation requires effort. Keep an eye on her sleep cycle. If she’s rising at 3pm, she didn’t go to bed at 9pm.
Establish a reasonable wake-up time. Enforcing this involves bearing the discomfort of her resistance and disapproval. But think, what pulls rather than pushes her into the world. The lure of croissants from the patisserie? A cafe coffee? What can you use as leverage?
5. Choose your battles carefully
Working with a teenager is like managing a difficult employee. You have to be clear, reinforce the bits that you like, gently correct the bits that you don’t, and understand that they’re autonomous.
Collaboration is key. ‘OK, you can spend some time in your bedroom, but now put your duvet in the wash.’ Choose your battles.
6. Take the lead – and be the voice of reason
Friendship issues feel intense and catastrophic. It’s tempting to give great weight to what she’s thinking and feeling. But they also change in an instant: Teenagers can be distraught, then get a nice message and instantly be fine (and you’re left reeling).
You are the voice of reason, balance and authority.
Sympathise. Say: ‘I understand it feels like that for you now, but I don’t think that will always be the case. I can see it feels overwhelming, but we still need to carry on.’
Understand that when teens are stuck in an emotion, they don’t know what to do. They need parents to take over for a bit.
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